Friday, November 8, 2013

Roomie Love

Last night (yes, mere hours after I blogged about not turning inward in suffering) my roommates listened to my sobs and thoughts on life, love, and the lack thereof. We sat around our kitchen table at 10:30 eating cookies and, despite their mess of a day, they listened to me. This is not the first time I have had a breakdown, nor will it be the last. But as I sit here reflecting on my life, I cannot help but smile in gratitude for these three women who care for me SO MUCH. Therefore, I wanted to share a few thoughts about the crazy-beautiful mess that is the "GUAD SQUAD."

My darlings



Let me start with my amazing Maggie Claire.


Maggie is a softy. Well, she's a softy for me. I met Maggie when we were born (just kidding, I met her our senior year of high school) and we became fast friends. She is one of those people who is not afraid to just be herself. Her growth as a woman has been incredible to witness. Maggie is one of those people who really thinks things through to be sure that her actions will reflect the life she intends to live. She is selfless in her love of others. Mags lets me be needy and selfish and she never, ever judges me for it. I ask her to rub my back daily. And she does. Without Maggie in my life, I would have never felt like anyone understood how painful therapy could be. She is going to do so many wonderful things for this world. Maggie has so much love to give and is very intentional in her care for others. 

Fun fact: Maggie always gets two double cheesburgers at McDonald's. Extra BBQ Sauce. <3


                                              And now for the beautiful Lily May. 


Lily is the strangest person I have ever met. She is also the most loving soul I have ever come in contact with. Last year Lily and I shared a room. This experience was her sanctity. She never complained when I would randomly crawl into her bed because I needed to snuggle (although she would kick me out if I accidentally touched her elbows). Lily is so steady in faith it is unreal. Her conviction in the Church truly inspires me and makes me want to learn and grow as a young woman in the Faith. She is always the one to challenge me to look outside the box and to realize that life is not always black and white. I love her random phone calls or texts throughout the day to tell me some stupid story that happened to her that morning. Lily is pure beauty, through and through. She literally glows ALL THE TIME. 

Fun fact: Lily likes her coffee with just a splash of creamer and hates that I put sugar in my tea. 


Last, but certainly not least, CLUR.


From the day we met when we were 14 years old, Claire has always been my biggest fan. She has been my first call when tragedy strikes, my loudest laugh when something idiotic occurs, and my jump of excitement when joy is present. Claire knows me better than any person in this world. She knows when to put her two cents in, when to remain quiet, and when to force me to lay next to her and cry because she knows I need it. I would not be who I am without her. Her prayers, her support, her unceasing attempts to show me my worth have lead me to the most joyful life with Christ. Claire is incredible. She holds me up when I can't seem to find my footing on this crazy journey in life. I have never seen anyone who can dance in sync with any song that comes on the radio. Claire can find any sort of information I need to know about a person (note: start setting your profiles as private if you don't want Claire to know everything about you, your mom, or your third cousin). Most importantly, she is a steady vessel of crazy love, emphasis on the "crazy." She is going to make someone so incredibly happy someday. For now, that person gets to be me. 

Fun fact: Claire prefers to not wear pants in the house and likes her cookies slightly undercooked.


These girls have been my best friends since high school. They are incredible and hilarious and sassy and BEAUTIFUL. They have taught me how to be a brave daughter of Jesus. They have taught me how to make decisions. They have taught me how to love my life in all its messy-ness. And they make my days so much brighter. I could never thank God enough for their lives. 

K. Sappy Sierra is done. 








Thursday, November 7, 2013

Love and Suffering

"Thank you Jesus for loving me in this way."

Shut up. Seriously... Stop. This phrase, this beautiful quote, was laid before me at Totus Tuus training. While I was at training, reveling in joy and excitement for the summer ahead, I thought this phrase was the bees knees. Then I experienced the true self-denial in sacrificial love for my teammates. Each problem we had to conquer, every spat of homesickness, all the painful memories of my past that I had to work through...

"Thank you Jesus for loving me in this way." Who can honestly be grateful when God is allowing us to suffer? Who can whole-heartedly thank Him not only IN their pain, but FOR their pain? Call me a weakling, but I cannot (though I make sad attempts).

This past month of October I was an internal (and let's face it... external) complainer. "Jesus please give me these virtues and these gifts and this kind of faith. Oh and purity. Oh yeah, a boyfriend. Someone holy and perfect and just like you. Please help me with my grades. Oh, and can I wake up 10 pounds lighter and totally in shape? I need it. I want it. Please?"

What?

My heart is achy. My heart is longing for the beauty of Heaven so much that I let this earth suck. I turn inward. I am so desperate for joy and for beauty that I miss the daily miracle of being ALIVE. On this earth we are not promised a future, we are promised a moment. That moment is right where you are now- sitting on your couch, making dinner with your family, changing the world for someone else, or (if you are like me) getting lost in your own.

Never let pain have the upper hand. We get so caught up in ourselves, don't we? I have been forgetting the value of investment in the present moment. I have forgotten how to listen. I seem to become so engrossed in finding finding who I am and what I'm here for that I lose patience and turn inward. And that is never okay. There is an entire world that I need. No, they don't need me. I need the suffering, the joyful, the confused, the broken, and the whole. When we learn from those people, we invest in something that far surpasses our own selfishness. We are suddenly lifted from ourselves into a beautiful world of gratitude. Suffering helps us learn compassion. Compassion is love in action when there is suffering. And when we love, we are intentionally grateful despite ourselves. 

Honestly...Thank you Jesus. I wish to love you in this way.