Cancer Sucks (but Heaven Replenishes)

"CANCER SUCKS." We see it on t-shirts, posters, flyers, bracelets. To tell you the truth, cancer (and its potential outcome) really does suck. It sucks the joy out of living a peaceful life. It sucks the sleep out of nights spent worrying. It sucks the energy out of family members finding a way to be 'strong.' It sucks the daily routine from achy chemotherapy patients. It sucks the assurance of having a father, mother, sister, brother, grandma, grandpa, or child in your life forever right out of your control. It just... sucks.

Two weeks ago I received a morning call from my mother telling me that my grandma has breast cancer. Cancer sucked the logic out of me and I immediately took this as a death sentence. I'm not joking. Within hours I had decided I needed to start mental and emotional preparation for losing this beautiful woman who has been everything to me for 21 years. I didn't sleep that night. Cancer sucked the sleep from me.

The next morning I called my grandma. Sweet, sweet Helen. I asked what she was up to that morning. Her response? "Oh, just baking a pie for the neighbors! Earl gives grandpa tomato juice and I make Earl pies." HOLY SELFLESS WOMAN. I melted in a pool of my own selfishness. After asking how she was holding up, I could hear her smile on the other end of the phone line. "It is what it is, and it's going to be what it's going to be. We just have to pray. It will be what it will be."

There is something different about an attitude like hers. I realized upon speaking with her that I should not try to pray the cancer away. My grandma has this total and complete trust that whatever God's will is for our lives, we simply need to pray for acceptance and strength. It WILL happen regardless.

I think we tend to forget that if we believe in Jesus, we believe in the Resurrection. We were created for Heaven, not earth. My grandma has lived a holy, long life. She is going to fight this disease, but she is not going to force her will. Only HIS will... Because "it will be what it will be." Her positivity and trust in God's plans are truly inspirational. She gets it. She understands purpose and pain and Heaven. And she finds hope and solace in that knowledge.

Point in case...Cancer sucks. Suffering is hard. Pain feels unbearable at times. But Heaven replenishes. The knowledge that we were created for so much more than this life brings forth a fountain of hope. There IS purpose in suffering. There WILL be a day that things will be okay. They will be more than okay, actually. Things will be PERFECT. Although my little eyes struggle to see it, I know that my grandma is right when she says that all we can do is pray.

And face suffering with acceptance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IExdrZGQVeI

Roomie Love

Last night (yes, mere hours after I blogged about not turning inward in suffering) my roommates listened to my sobs and thoughts on life, love, and the lack thereof. We sat around our kitchen table at 10:30 eating cookies and, despite their mess of a day, they listened to me. This is not the first time I have had a breakdown, nor will it be the last. But as I sit here reflecting on my life, I cannot help but smile in gratitude for these three women who care for me SO MUCH. Therefore, I wanted to share a few thoughts about the crazy-beautiful mess that is the "GUAD SQUAD."

My darlings



Let me start with my amazing Maggie Claire.

Maggie is a softy. Well, she's a softy for me. I met Maggie when we were born (just kidding, I met her our senior year of high school) and we became fast friends. She is one of those people who is not afraid to just be herself. Her growth as a woman has been incredible to witness. Maggie is one of those people who really thinks things through to be sure that her actions will reflect the life she intends to live. She is selfless in her love of others. Mags lets me be needy and selfish and she never, ever judges me for it. I ask her to rub my back daily. And she does. Without Maggie in my life, I would have never felt like anyone understood how painful therapy could be. She is going to do so many wonderful things for this world. Maggie has so much love to give and is very intentional in her care for others. 

Fun fact: Maggie always gets two double cheesburgers at McDonald's. Extra BBQ Sauce. <3

                                              And now for the beautiful Lily May. 

Lily is the strangest person I have ever met. She is also the most loving soul I have ever come in contact with. Last year Lily and I shared a room. This experience was her sanctity. She never complained when I would randomly crawl into her bed because I needed to snuggle (although she would kick me out if I accidentally touched her elbows). Lily is so steady in faith it is unreal. Her conviction in the Church truly inspires me and makes me want to learn and grow as a young woman in the Faith. She is always the one to challenge me to look outside the box and to realize that life is not always black and white. I love her random phone calls or texts throughout the day to tell me some stupid story that happened to her that morning. Lily is pure beauty, through and through. She literally glows ALL THE TIME. 

Fun fact: Lily likes her coffee with just a splash of creamer and hates that I put sugar in my tea. 

Last, but certainly not least, CLUR.

From the day we met when we were 14 years old, Claire has always been my biggest fan. She has been my first call when tragedy strikes, my loudest laugh when something idiotic occurs, and my jump of excitement when joy is present. Claire knows me better than any person in this world. She knows when to put her two cents in, when to remain quiet, and when to force me to lay next to her and cry because she knows I need it. I would not be who I am without her. Her prayers, her support, her unceasing attempts to show me my worth have lead me to the most joyful life with Christ. Claire is incredible. She holds me up when I can't seem to find my footing on this crazy journey in life. I have never seen anyone who can dance in sync with any song that comes on the radio. Claire can find any sort of information I need to know about a person (note: start setting your profiles as private if you don't want Claire to know everything about you, your mom, or your third cousin). Most importantly, she is a steady vessel of crazy love, emphasis on the "crazy." She is going to make someone so incredibly happy someday. For now, that person gets to be me. 

Fun fact: Claire prefers to not wear pants in the house and likes her cookies slightly undercooked.

These girls have been my best friends since high school. They are incredible and hilarious and sassy and BEAUTIFUL. They have taught me how to be a brave daughter of Jesus. They have taught me how to make decisions. They have taught me how to love my life in all its messy-ness. And they make my days so much brighter. I could never thank God enough for their lives. 

K. Sappy Sierra is done. 

Love and Suffering

"Thank you Jesus for loving me in this way."

Shut up. Seriously... Stop. This phrase, this beautiful quote, was laid before me at Totus Tuus training. While I was at training, reveling in joy and excitement for the summer ahead, I thought this phrase was the bees knees. Then I experienced the true self-denial in sacrificial love for my teammates. Each problem we had to conquer, every spat of homesickness, all the painful memories of my past that I had to work through...

"Thank you Jesus for loving me in this way." Who can honestly be grateful when God is allowing us to suffer? Who can whole-heartedly thank Him not only IN their pain, but FOR their pain? Call me a weakling, but I cannot (though I make sad attempts).

This past month of October I was an internal (and let's face it... external) complainer. "Jesus please give me these virtues and these gifts and this kind of faith. Oh and purity. Oh yeah, a boyfriend. Someone holy and perfect and just like you. Please help me with my grades. Oh, and can I wake up 10 pounds lighter and totally in shape? I need it. I want it. Please?"

What?

My heart is achy. My heart is longing for the beauty of Heaven so much that I let this earth suck. I turn inward. I am so desperate for joy and for beauty that I miss the daily miracle of being ALIVE. On this earth we are not promised a future, we are promised a moment. That moment is right where you are now- sitting on your couch, making dinner with your family, changing the world for someone else, or (if you are like me) getting lost in your own.

Never let pain have the upper hand. We get so caught up in ourselves, don't we? I have been forgetting the value of investment in the present moment. I have forgotten how to listen. I seem to become so engrossed in finding finding who I am and what I'm here for that I lose patience and turn inward. And that is never okay. There is an entire world that I need. No, they don't need me. I need the suffering, the joyful, the confused, the broken, and the whole. When we learn from those people, we invest in something that far surpasses our own selfishness. We are suddenly lifted from ourselves into a beautiful world of gratitude. Suffering helps us learn compassion. Compassion is love in action when there is suffering. And when we love, we are intentionally grateful despite ourselves. 

Honestly...Thank you Jesus. I wish to love you in this way.

Letter to the Suffering

Suffering Hearts,

             There are footsteps set before each of us that we must follow. Those footsteps lead us to Calvary. It is a broken road filled with sin, envy, regret, pain, loneliness, and an incurable hunger. The hill is steep and fragmented. There are three places where the dirt is noticeably disrupted--three spots on this path where a Man fell from the weight of a seemingly unbearable load. But He looked forward. He pushed on, moved ahead. 

             This road will be the hardest you have traveled, yet you will be consoled along the way. There will be people perfectly placed throughout the journey to weep for you, to pray for you, to wipe your face, to assist you in carrying your cross, and to give you drink when you realize that you thirst. And in the end, this road will lead you to love.

                 Love became full only after He agonized in Gethsemane. 

                 Love became full when He gave us His footprints to follow on the road to Calvary.

                 Love became full only after He let His heart be pierced. 

                 Love became full only after He died, lonely and bruised.

                 Then He ROSE. And so you too shall rise. 

Be compassionate, console one another. Remember that we are all so fortunate to walk in Love's footsteps together. 

                                       Sincerely, 

                                              A Fellow Sufferer


"Tell aching mankind to snuggle close to My merciful Heart, and I will fill it  with peace."
                                      -Jesus to St. Faustina 

Totus Tuus: Vermont

     Here I sit at a little wooden desk drinking coffee in Shelburne, Vermont. More than once this summer I have found myself asking: "How did I get here?" "What am I doing?" and most importantly, "Where can I find more caffeine?"

     I have found it is painstakingly easy to miss the daily opportunities to experience miracles in our every day lives. So much of society is focused on sheer nothingness in a chaotic world that thrives on finding "the next big thing." We invent new ways of communicating with one another so that we do not have to go out of our way to spend quality time with those we love. We create for ourselves busy schedules that lack purpose and peace. We eat, drink, and play without really experiencing. Where did the passion go? When did I, and the world, close our eyes to the joy that comes from simply waking up alive?

     Every week I give a talk at a parish after Mass. For those of you who have done Totus Tuus, you know how monotonous and methodic this speech is. "I'm here with a program called 'Totus Tuus.' Totus Tuus is Latin for 'Totally Yours,' signifying that we are totally Jesus' through His Mother, Mary."  That triggers the craziness of the week with loud children and host dinners and GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME. You find yourself praying in the morning because, well, it is part of your job description. Forever in a fishbowl, going through the motions. Forgetting miracles.

     I was teaching first and second graders last week. We talked about how Jesus, at the Mass, slips into His costume (the host and wine) at the consecration. One little boy asked me if he could take a picture. I said he could in his heart. As I skimmed over the kids at Mass that day, I saw his small fingers go up to his eyes at the consecration as if he were holding a camera. After Mass I asked him if he saw Jesus slip into His costume. "YEP! I put my camera on video." BOOM. Just like that. A seven year old reminded me of a daily miracle. 

     Being away from home has challenged me more than I ever dreamed possible. I miss my bed. I miss my roommates and friends. I miss my family. I miss my sweet "Jesus Bubble" that I had no idea existed before I stepped out of it. But all of that is nothing. Totus Tuus is exactly what it says it is... TOTALLY YOURS. Everything back home is His. Everything here in Vermont is His. None of this is mine. It was never mine to miss in the first place. I get to see my family and friends at Mass every day when Jesus steps into His costume... And THAT is a miracle.

     As per usual, this blog has been scatter-brained and long. For those of you who have been wondering how I am doing (MOM....), I am FINE. :) Vermont is lovely, my job is INCREDIBLE, and soon I will know how to drink my coffee black because I now need it every day. I cannot wait to be home and to more fully appreciate the beauty of The Good Life. Nebraska... I LOVE YOU. 

    I hate to admit this, but Jeff Schinstock was right when he said that I am not just DOING Totus Tuus this summer. I AM Totus Tuus this summer. I am living out what it means to trust fully in God's providence and care for my heart. This is something I will be challenging myself to do now for the rest of my life.

     "If I learned one thing from Mother Teresa it is this: You are nothing. I am nothing. We are simply fieldworkers for Christ."

     

Weighing Your Worth

So I thought (after extensive conversations and insights from friends) this deserved a blog. I needed to write about it and I figured many women out there needed to start thinking about it. Topic? Comparing your weight to your worth. Even further... Comparing any "negative" aspect of your body to your beauty and value as a woman.

This subject has been a hot topic for me lately. I've been running every day, eating healthy, and getting the right amount of sleep, yet cannot seem to lose weight. Why do I need to lose weight? Because I have been conditioned to think that beauty lies in flawless skin, a tight, fit body (with great breasts and a full backside), and a good haircut. Throw in a cute outfit and a woman is GOLDEN. And honestly, I'm starting to think that this ideal of beauty is a load of crap.

For the past few months I have avoided contact with mirrors. When I catch a glimpse of myself before a shower or as I dress in the morning, I shrug my shoulders and think, "Well, at least God is pleased with me" or "At least I have a good heart." Is it wrong to be in love with your soul? NO. But is it okay to shrug off your body so as to focus totally on your heart? No... it's not.

God made us fully woman. And ladies, He saw that "it was good." ALL OF IT. Your cellulite and your stretch marks and your overbite. Your flat chest and your curves and your blue eyes. Your amazon curly hair and the veins on the back of your legs. Your wrinkles and your acne and your button nose. Your dry skin and your flat feet and your stomach and the extra 10 pounds on your thighs. He saw it was good. He saw it was perfect. And then we threw it all away for Cosmopolitan, a low-cut t-shirt, and a fake tan (because apparently God didn't think our porcelain skin was beautiful when He made it).

We tell our daughters, our sisters, and our mothers about the latest diets we have tried to shed those extra pounds. We no longer work out for the sake of being healthy, we do it to "look our best." But what if looking our best is right now? What if we have ALWAYS looked our best? And what if, instead of teaching our daughters to watch their weight, we taught them to love their curves (or lack thereof) and embrace the goodness God made them in?

I know it is going to take a lot of work. Looking in the mirror and embracing the shape we were made in is going to take a lot of effort. But it is a challenge I am willing to accept. I am not telling everyone to go out and chow down on fast food every day for the rest of their lives. I am simply inviting women everywhere to make their body a temple for Him. Be healthy for Him. And do not avoid the mirror... for His sake. He formed you so beautifully.

Love Like a Babe

“Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:3

     Tonight I am going to build a fort. I'm going to crawl inside it and watch a movie with a few of my friends, and for a small blink of time we will be five years old again. 

     You know, I have always wondered what was meant by "becoming like a small child." There has to come a point in our lives where we set aside our childish ways and become young adults, right? At least that is what society has conditioned us to believe. Some people take maturity in terms of age: a 25 year old is more mature than a 19 year old.... fair enough to some extent. Some may view maturity as the amount of life lived in those years: what you have seen, what trials you have overcome, where you have been. And again, others may see it as the ability to plan financial decisions around a four to eight year college degree. I, however, see it in a much simpler light.
     In my small eyes maturity is not all about age, where one has been, or in one's ability to plan a future. It is about learning to own up to your mistakes, to make sound decisions from what life has taught you, and to walk through life seeing the world though the eyes of a little girl (or a little man, depending on who is reading this...). 
     This past week I was able to spend time with my Godchildren. Oh, my heart! Madelyn Kay is a blonde-haired, blue-eyed ball of sugar. I could not help but watch this 3 year old's every move. When I held her and read her a story, she rested in the safety of my arms. As we prayed together, she was simplistic and calm. Every kiss she gave me throughout the day was unguarded and loving. And every "I love you" was heartfelt and full.
     I closed my eyes today and thought of how sweet she looks when she sleeps. We were roommates this week, sharing my old bed. Madelyn still sleeps like she did when she was a babe; her hands folded, resting on her forehead. I then thought about the "date" she and I went on Tuesday night: Mass followed by dinner. As she held my hand on the way to my car at the end of the night she stopped and said, "Aunt Sierra... thank you for calling me princess." All I could think as my heart filled with her words was that she deserves to be called 'Princess' for the rest of her life, because that is what she is. She is a princess. 
    She revealed to me in that moment what it means to be childlike. God is calling me a princess every day. He wants me to be filled with that knowledge for the rest of my life. Every move Mady makes shows me what God is asking of me. She is relentless in love, she trusts, she feels safe when my arms are wrapped around her. She never questions my love for her... she knows she will never have to. 
     Yes, God is calling each of us to grow and mature in this world, to grow deeper and further in knowledge and faith. Yet when it comes to a relationship with Him, all He asks is for us to be in awe of the world He has created for us, unguarded in our love for Him and for each other, and to trust in His storybook plan for our lives (The Bible, a story, a book... see what I did there, eh?). 

So tonight as I make a fort after working all day, I will see how adulthood can meet God's expectations of remaining childlike in faith. And when I rest my 20 year old eyes at night, I will sleep in the comfort of my Father's arms. We never have to question His love. 

SEEK2013

     So after a few weeks of neglecting this blog, I guess it's time for an update on the wonderful thoughts of Sierra Ann Weber. (Why the heck do you people actually read this, anyway?)
     I had the incredible opportunity to attend the FOCUS Conference in Orlando, FL over Christmas break. SEEK2013 was nothing I expected, and everything I needed. I am constantly blown away at how well God knows my heart. And yours. He knows your heart, too. Which is why I write this blog today.
     Initially, I thought of writing about SEEK in general; the uplifting speakers, the BEAUTIFUL resort we stayed at, the new friends I made. But none of that seemed sufficient. The theme for SEEK was, "Seek what moves you." As I sat at daily Mass with 6000 college students, stood in line for over an hour to go to confession, and listened to numerous testimonies from people that came from all walks of life... I realized we were all seeking what stirred our hearts. We were all running together. Different paces, yes, but together.
     God is so gentle in His pursuit of our hearts. For men, He is a steady witness of true manhood. He hangs upon the cross bathed in His own blood, showing all those fallen Adams out there what it means to protect their bride. And for women, He is a kind reminder that "chivalry is not dead." He patiently nudges the doors of our hearts, but will never impose. So different in approach is He to each of us.
     I encourage you to pray today about how God is seeking your heart. How is He pursuing you today? It may be in a child's laugh, a class that got out early, or a kind word from a stranger. He is SO present in these little mysteries that lie between our conception and our passing from this world. SEEK His love. Because I promise He is seeking yours.


FOOD FOR THOUGHT:
     I listened to a friend of mine speak at a retreat once, and she read 1 Corinthians 13. She altered it, however, to replace "love" with "God." This was so beautiful to me. Meditate on these words to see how God is love, and what that means in regards to a relationship with Him.


   "God is patient, God is kind; He is not jealous or boastful, He is not arrogant or rude. God is not selfish; He is not irritable or resentful. He does not rejoice in the wrong, but rejoices in the truth. God bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."