I woke up at 6:00 on my day off full of hope and anticipation. Today was the day all couples struggling with infertility know too well: twelve days post-ovulation and time for a pregnancy test. Over the last few months we stopped this routine of planned tests and tracking cycles. Up until this point my cycle had been so terribly off that there was really no reason to take tests anymore. But not this month. No, this month was surely the month. The elements were all in place for us: the weight loss, a regular cycle for the first time in over a year, the right pills prescribed by my Catholic doctor, the novenas prayed, the saints interceding---- yes, this was definitely the month.
By 6:03 I was back in bed with silent tears streaming down my face. I thought this was the month.
The past 10 months have been the happiest, healthiest, and most challenging part of my life. Marriage is the most beautiful gift and we have been blessed beyond measure. Ben and I truly enjoy each other's company. We love every aspect of marriage and have molded our two lives into one extremely well (in my opinion). However, from the very beginning, we were challenged to lay down our hopes and dreams for a family and follow God's design for our life. To say that it has humbled us would be an understatement. I always think back on a homily I heard many years ago about how when a sheep wanders from its flock the shepherd will leave the rest of the flock to find it. When the two meet, the shepherd breaks the legs of the sheep and then carries it home. This helps the lost sheep to learn total dependency on the shepherd, knowing that the shepherd will provide everything that it needs. It's a pretty beautiful analogy for when we experience pain and are learning total dependency on God --- except for when you're the one being broken. And that is what it feels like: broken. I feel like my body is broken. My prayers are broken. My mind is broken. My spirit is broken. When I enjoy the moment and don't allow myself to feel the pain of infertility I feel like I am denying myself healing. When I focus on the pain and allow myself to heal I feel that I am denying myself the joy of the moment.
I met up with two friends a few months ago to talk about the pain. I had become great at hiding it unless I was in Ben's company. It was time to allow others into the sadness. That conversation helped me to focus on the present moment in my married life with Ben and to realize that infertility is such a small portion of who I am and my life as a whole. I walked away with a newfound fervor for life. I knew that getting pregnant was not dependent on me, it was dependent on His will for me. However, something was said that night that I could not relate to: sometimes in our pain we can become angry with God. I have never had the inclination to be mad at Christ. Maybe in my angsty teenage years it happened a time or two, but I have always known that being mad at God would never solve anything. He is the one who heals, the one who loves, the one who cares. I was glad that I had that knowledge.
Until 6:35 this morning.
I curled up next to Ben and bawled like a baby. He held me and assured me that he felt the pain too. This is the millionth time we have done this: realization of infertility sinks in, Ben holds me and asks me to vocalize my pain, we pray together, and then we get up and move on with our life. This time was different though. This time I felt different. I felt anger. I felt frustration. I felt betrayed. I felt all of these things and they were directed at Christ.
A priest once told me that in his experience as a pastor, infertility feels like the loss of a child. He said that I needed to take time to grieve. While I have never lost a child and think that the pain of losing one far surpasses what I am feeling right now in my year of infertility, I can relate to the feeling of loss. It is not the loss of a physical being-- it is the loss of my dreams. It is the loss of trust in God's love for me because He knows my heart so well, He knows that what I am willing is good, He knows that this cross is one that I feels so heavy I cannot bear it alone, and yet He is still allowing me to undergo this pain. It is the loss of confidence in my body because no matter how hard I try, I'm just going to have these cysts that will wreak havoc on my health. It is the loss of hope in the anticipation of a child. This year has shown me the reality that I may never conceive a baby.
Thus brings me to 8:08 as I sit here writing this all out. Ben has made a pot of coffee, soon we will sit down together for breakfast, and our life will go on. Today I am reflecting on the idea of embracing your cross and what that means in the life of those who suffer. Maybe it means that we embrace EVERYTHING that our crosses offer: joy, redemption, sadness, pain. Maybe embracing my cross right now is taking all of the anger and devastation that I am feeling and just holding it while God wraps His arms around it all. Maybe it is experiencing emotions as they come so that they don't rule my life on "pregnancy test day." Or maybe it is simply gazing upon the road to Calvary and asking God to make me as brave as Jesus was the day He carried His cross.
8:15 and I am going to crawl back into bed with my Simon. Another day of infertility, another day to learn to love in a different way.
Monday, September 5, 2016
Sunday, April 3, 2016
The First Four Months
The end of 2015 and the beginning of 2016 has been a complete whirlwind. I got married, finished student teaching, started a three and a half month subbing position in fourth grade, and have applied for numerous jobs for next school year. I've realized that being a first year teacher and a first year wife is the most challenging thing I have done. I have had many days of feeling like a failure (sitting on the floor in tears and all), but have had more days of sheer joy than moments of exhausted sadness. Honestly, I've wanted to write this post for a while: a total compilation of what I have learned thus far as a new wife. Here's an update on the newest Beckman:
No matter how terrible the meal, Ben will try anything to make me happy.
I had to throw this in here for those who haven't heard of my marital cooking excursions. A couple of months ago I decided I wanted to learn to bake from scratch. My first endeavor: pancakes. Shouldn't have been too difficult, right?
I had this terrible habit of looking at the ingredients but not looking at how to put them together. I would throw them all into a bowl, mix, and bake. Well, this recipe called for a stick of butter. I wondered why a recipe that only made ten pancakes would need an entire stick of butter, but continued mixing everything together despite my concerns. When I began to cook my pancakes I heard them sizzle.... They were frying in the pan. I went back to read the recipe instructions to find that the butter was to GREASE THE PAN.
.......... "Here you go Ben.... I made these for you."
God help me.
You are not entitled to a baby.
I nannied a sweet little girl named Kate when I was in college. Her mother talked to me one day after work and said that one thing she realized in her marriage is that we aren't entitled to a baby... We don't just get to have them when we want. I don't think that I ever really conceptualized that remark before marriage. Every time we see family and friends it is guaranteed that we will hear at least once a range of questions from, "When are you thinking about having kids?" (Have you met me? ALWAYS, that's when.) or "Are you expecting yet?" (I promise I'll tell you when we are).
This strange time when I've only been married for four months and have been unable to conceive is a limbo stage of some sorts. It feels like society has deemed it unacceptable for me to be sad that we aren't pregnant because we need to "give it some time and enjoy being married." I LOVE being married to Ben. I think it's the most special time of our lives right now being able to give to others because we don't have children we must pour that energy into. However, the deepest desire of my heart is to make another Ben Beckman, to show our children the love of Christ and to build up our domestic church. And dammit... It hurts my heart every month when we realize it just hasn't happened yet.
I've learned that I HAVE to let go of my plans, my passions, the very desire of my heart (even as good and pure as that desire may be) to let God work in my life. Ben and I are not entitled to a child. We don't know if we will get pregnant. And I think that Christ is using that as a means to bring us closer to Him.
Teaching is my job, not my life.
This has been a harsh realization. As a first year teacher I could literally spend every waking minute at school. Whether it be meetings, grading, planning lessons, or studying the curriculum I have put in multiple 11-hour days trying to get organized and do my best for my kiddos. Thank God for my team leader who, after a long day at work and what was supposed to be a long evening of planning, came into my classroom and said, "Go home, Sierra. It's all going to be here tomorrow." Suddenly it hit me: Teaching is the vocation God has called me to as a PROFESSION. Being a wife is the vocation God has called me to in my LIFE. They are not one in the same... Ben has to come first. Finding that balance has been terribly difficult, but I'm so glad I've realized it this early on in our marriage.
Receiving is my primary purpose.
Ben and I attended a weekly series on spousal prayer this lent and it was truly life-changing. It taught me so much about my role as a wife. Ben spends his days in total service to me: He does dishes and laundry and fixes the washer and makes the bed. He makes me coffee and rubs my feet and when the air conditioning knob fell off of my car he replaced it. I have tried my best, I really have. Ben has eaten burnt, dry, over-salted, over-buttered, garlic-y messes for four months. I do my best to help with the up-keep of our home on the weekends, but I get sucked into school work and he ends up cleaning. To be honest, he is so much better at this marriage thing than I am. And you know what he prays about when we're about to go to sleep? "Please help me love Sierra better tomorrow." Seriously? His sacrificial nature was enough to break me one evening (or multiple evenings... whatever). I sat down and cried and told him that I suck at being a wife and he sacrifices so much for me that I feel entirely inadequate.
And then we attended the series at church. The talks walked us through the role of man and woman, man as the giver and woman as the receiver, and how that mimics the love of God for His Son. "In our very body makeup we can see that it is man who gives and woman who receives." It was a wake up call for me to stop pitying myself and to accept Ben's gift of himself to me on a daily basis. Receiving his love is a truly humbling experience, but one that is rewarding both for Ben as giver and for me as the receiver. Learning to accept his love is actually helping me love him better. Such a neat concept.
Ben cannot be my everything.
As much as I love my sweet Ben, I know that there are some things he just cannot fix. My therapist told me once that your spouse can only fill you up at most 40%, so I need to find where the other 60% will come from. Oh boy was that true. I have learned to trust Ben with my whole heart because he points me in the direction of the One who CAN be my all.
He also encourages me to nourish my friendships. He takes the time to be with my family. He reminds me to take time for myself and to enjoy my own company. All EXTREMELY important things that I'm fortunate to be forming habits around now.
Let it happen.
I cannot wait to keep learning from Ben. I love what God is revealing to me through him. Marriage has been the most incredible experience and I am so thankful for its grace every single day. We're in the transition process of deciding where to live, applying for jobs, and letting go of everything we ever wanted and letting God take control. What a crazy ride and an amazing life.
Calling All Married People
What important lessons did YOU learn in your first year of marriage? I have heard some incredible stories that have changed me, and I would love to hear from YOU. Thank you and may God bless you for being an example of love in my own marriage.
No matter how terrible the meal, Ben will try anything to make me happy.
I had to throw this in here for those who haven't heard of my marital cooking excursions. A couple of months ago I decided I wanted to learn to bake from scratch. My first endeavor: pancakes. Shouldn't have been too difficult, right?
I had this terrible habit of looking at the ingredients but not looking at how to put them together. I would throw them all into a bowl, mix, and bake. Well, this recipe called for a stick of butter. I wondered why a recipe that only made ten pancakes would need an entire stick of butter, but continued mixing everything together despite my concerns. When I began to cook my pancakes I heard them sizzle.... They were frying in the pan. I went back to read the recipe instructions to find that the butter was to GREASE THE PAN.
.......... "Here you go Ben.... I made these for you."
God help me.
You are not entitled to a baby.
I nannied a sweet little girl named Kate when I was in college. Her mother talked to me one day after work and said that one thing she realized in her marriage is that we aren't entitled to a baby... We don't just get to have them when we want. I don't think that I ever really conceptualized that remark before marriage. Every time we see family and friends it is guaranteed that we will hear at least once a range of questions from, "When are you thinking about having kids?" (Have you met me? ALWAYS, that's when.) or "Are you expecting yet?" (I promise I'll tell you when we are).
This strange time when I've only been married for four months and have been unable to conceive is a limbo stage of some sorts. It feels like society has deemed it unacceptable for me to be sad that we aren't pregnant because we need to "give it some time and enjoy being married." I LOVE being married to Ben. I think it's the most special time of our lives right now being able to give to others because we don't have children we must pour that energy into. However, the deepest desire of my heart is to make another Ben Beckman, to show our children the love of Christ and to build up our domestic church. And dammit... It hurts my heart every month when we realize it just hasn't happened yet.
I've learned that I HAVE to let go of my plans, my passions, the very desire of my heart (even as good and pure as that desire may be) to let God work in my life. Ben and I are not entitled to a child. We don't know if we will get pregnant. And I think that Christ is using that as a means to bring us closer to Him.
Teaching is my job, not my life.
This has been a harsh realization. As a first year teacher I could literally spend every waking minute at school. Whether it be meetings, grading, planning lessons, or studying the curriculum I have put in multiple 11-hour days trying to get organized and do my best for my kiddos. Thank God for my team leader who, after a long day at work and what was supposed to be a long evening of planning, came into my classroom and said, "Go home, Sierra. It's all going to be here tomorrow." Suddenly it hit me: Teaching is the vocation God has called me to as a PROFESSION. Being a wife is the vocation God has called me to in my LIFE. They are not one in the same... Ben has to come first. Finding that balance has been terribly difficult, but I'm so glad I've realized it this early on in our marriage.
Receiving is my primary purpose.
Ben and I attended a weekly series on spousal prayer this lent and it was truly life-changing. It taught me so much about my role as a wife. Ben spends his days in total service to me: He does dishes and laundry and fixes the washer and makes the bed. He makes me coffee and rubs my feet and when the air conditioning knob fell off of my car he replaced it. I have tried my best, I really have. Ben has eaten burnt, dry, over-salted, over-buttered, garlic-y messes for four months. I do my best to help with the up-keep of our home on the weekends, but I get sucked into school work and he ends up cleaning. To be honest, he is so much better at this marriage thing than I am. And you know what he prays about when we're about to go to sleep? "Please help me love Sierra better tomorrow." Seriously? His sacrificial nature was enough to break me one evening (or multiple evenings... whatever). I sat down and cried and told him that I suck at being a wife and he sacrifices so much for me that I feel entirely inadequate.
And then we attended the series at church. The talks walked us through the role of man and woman, man as the giver and woman as the receiver, and how that mimics the love of God for His Son. "In our very body makeup we can see that it is man who gives and woman who receives." It was a wake up call for me to stop pitying myself and to accept Ben's gift of himself to me on a daily basis. Receiving his love is a truly humbling experience, but one that is rewarding both for Ben as giver and for me as the receiver. Learning to accept his love is actually helping me love him better. Such a neat concept.
Ben cannot be my everything.
As much as I love my sweet Ben, I know that there are some things he just cannot fix. My therapist told me once that your spouse can only fill you up at most 40%, so I need to find where the other 60% will come from. Oh boy was that true. I have learned to trust Ben with my whole heart because he points me in the direction of the One who CAN be my all.
He also encourages me to nourish my friendships. He takes the time to be with my family. He reminds me to take time for myself and to enjoy my own company. All EXTREMELY important things that I'm fortunate to be forming habits around now.
Let it happen.
I cannot wait to keep learning from Ben. I love what God is revealing to me through him. Marriage has been the most incredible experience and I am so thankful for its grace every single day. We're in the transition process of deciding where to live, applying for jobs, and letting go of everything we ever wanted and letting God take control. What a crazy ride and an amazing life.
Calling All Married People
What important lessons did YOU learn in your first year of marriage? I have heard some incredible stories that have changed me, and I would love to hear from YOU. Thank you and may God bless you for being an example of love in my own marriage.
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