The First Four Months

The end of 2015 and the beginning of 2016 has been a complete whirlwind. I got married, finished student teaching, started a three and a half month subbing position in fourth grade, and have applied for numerous jobs for next school year. I've realized that being a first year teacher and a first year wife is the most challenging thing I have done. I have had many days of feeling like a failure (sitting on the floor in tears and all), but have had more days of sheer joy than moments of exhausted sadness. Honestly, I've wanted to write this post for a while: a total compilation of what I have learned thus far as a new wife. Here's an update on the newest Beckman:

No matter how terrible the meal, Ben will try anything to make me happy.

I had to throw this in here for those who haven't heard of my marital cooking excursions. A couple of months ago I decided I wanted to learn to bake from scratch. My first endeavor: pancakes. Shouldn't have been too difficult, right?

I had this terrible habit of looking at the ingredients but not looking at how to put them together. I would throw them all into a bowl, mix, and bake. Well, this recipe called for a stick of butter. I wondered why a recipe that only made ten pancakes would need an entire stick of butter, but continued mixing everything together despite my concerns. When I began to cook my pancakes I heard them sizzle.... They were frying in the pan. I went back to read the recipe instructions to find that the butter was to GREASE THE PAN.

.......... "Here you go Ben.... I made these for you."

God help me.

You are not entitled to a baby.

I nannied a sweet little girl named Kate when I was in college. Her mother talked to me one day after work and said that one thing she realized in her marriage is that we aren't entitled to a baby... We don't just get to have them when we want. I don't think that I ever really conceptualized that remark before marriage. Every time we see family and friends it is guaranteed that we will hear at least once a range of questions from, "When are you thinking about having kids?" (Have you met me? ALWAYS, that's when.) or "Are you expecting yet?" (I promise I'll tell you when we are).

This strange time when I've only been married for four months and have been unable to conceive is a limbo stage of some sorts. It feels like society has deemed it unacceptable for me to be sad that we aren't pregnant because we need to "give it some time and enjoy being married." I LOVE being married to Ben. I think it's the most special time of our lives right now being able to give to others because we don't have children we must pour that energy into. However, the deepest desire of my heart is to make another Ben Beckman, to show our children the love of Christ and to build up our domestic church. And dammit... It hurts my heart every month when we realize it just hasn't happened yet.

I've learned that I HAVE to let go of my plans, my passions, the very desire of my heart (even as good and pure as that desire may be) to let God work in my life. Ben and I are not entitled to a child. We don't know if we will get pregnant. And I think that Christ is using that as a means to bring us closer to Him.

Teaching is my job, not my life.

This has been a harsh realization. As a first year teacher I could literally spend every waking minute at school. Whether it be meetings, grading, planning lessons, or studying the curriculum I have put in multiple 11-hour days trying to get organized and do my best for my kiddos. Thank God for my team leader who, after a long day at work and what was supposed to be a long evening of planning, came into my classroom and said, "Go home, Sierra. It's all going to be here tomorrow." Suddenly it hit me: Teaching is the vocation God has called me to as a PROFESSION. Being a wife is the vocation God has called me to in my LIFE. They are not one in the same... Ben has to come first. Finding that balance has been terribly difficult, but I'm so glad I've realized it this early on in our marriage.


Receiving is my primary purpose.

Ben and I attended a weekly series on spousal prayer this lent and it was truly life-changing. It taught me so much about my role as a wife. Ben spends his days in total service to me: He does dishes and laundry and fixes the washer and makes the bed. He makes me coffee and rubs my feet and when the air conditioning knob fell off of my car he replaced it. I have tried my best, I really have. Ben has eaten burnt, dry, over-salted, over-buttered, garlic-y messes for four months. I do my best to help with the up-keep of our home on the weekends, but I get sucked into school work and he ends up cleaning. To be honest, he is so much better at this marriage thing than I am. And you know what he prays about when we're about to go to sleep? "Please help me love Sierra better tomorrow." Seriously? His sacrificial nature was enough to break me one evening (or multiple evenings... whatever). I sat down and cried and told him that I suck at being a wife and he sacrifices so much for me that I feel entirely inadequate.

And then we attended the series at church. The talks walked us through the role of man and woman, man as the giver and woman as the receiver, and how that mimics the love of God for His Son. "In our very body makeup we can see that it is man who gives and woman who receives." It was a wake up call for me to stop pitying myself and to accept Ben's gift of himself to me on a daily basis. Receiving his love is a truly humbling experience, but one that is rewarding both for Ben as giver and for me as the receiver. Learning to accept his love is actually helping me love him better. Such a neat concept.

Ben cannot be my everything.

As much as I love my sweet Ben, I know that there are some things he just cannot fix. My therapist told me once that your spouse can only fill you up at most 40%, so I need to find where the other 60% will come from. Oh boy was that true. I have learned to trust Ben with my whole heart because he points me in the direction of the One who CAN be my all.

He also encourages me to nourish my friendships. He takes the time to be with my family. He reminds me to take time for myself and to enjoy my own company. All EXTREMELY important things that I'm fortunate to be forming habits around now. 

Let it happen. 

I cannot wait to keep learning from Ben. I love what God is revealing to me through him. Marriage has been the most incredible experience and I am so thankful for its grace every single day.  We're in the transition process of deciding where to live, applying for jobs, and letting go of everything we ever wanted and letting God take control. What a crazy ride and an amazing life.

Calling All Married People

What important lessons did YOU learn in your first year of marriage? I have heard some incredible stories that have changed me, and I would love to hear from YOU. Thank you and may God bless you for being an example of love in my own marriage.