The First Four Months

The end of 2015 and the beginning of 2016 has been a complete whirlwind. I got married, finished student teaching, started a three and a half month subbing position in fourth grade, and have applied for numerous jobs for next school year. I've realized that being a first year teacher and a first year wife is the most challenging thing I have done. I have had many days of feeling like a failure (sitting on the floor in tears and all), but have had more days of sheer joy than moments of exhausted sadness. Honestly, I've wanted to write this post for a while: a total compilation of what I have learned thus far as a new wife. Here's an update on the newest Beckman:

No matter how terrible the meal, Ben will try anything to make me happy.

I had to throw this in here for those who haven't heard of my marital cooking excursions. A couple of months ago I decided I wanted to learn to bake from scratch. My first endeavor: pancakes. Shouldn't have been too difficult, right?

I had this terrible habit of looking at the ingredients but not looking at how to put them together. I would throw them all into a bowl, mix, and bake. Well, this recipe called for a stick of butter. I wondered why a recipe that only made ten pancakes would need an entire stick of butter, but continued mixing everything together despite my concerns. When I began to cook my pancakes I heard them sizzle.... They were frying in the pan. I went back to read the recipe instructions to find that the butter was to GREASE THE PAN.

.......... "Here you go Ben.... I made these for you."

God help me.

You are not entitled to a baby.

I nannied a sweet little girl named Kate when I was in college. Her mother talked to me one day after work and said that one thing she realized in her marriage is that we aren't entitled to a baby... We don't just get to have them when we want. I don't think that I ever really conceptualized that remark before marriage. Every time we see family and friends it is guaranteed that we will hear at least once a range of questions from, "When are you thinking about having kids?" (Have you met me? ALWAYS, that's when.) or "Are you expecting yet?" (I promise I'll tell you when we are).

This strange time when I've only been married for four months and have been unable to conceive is a limbo stage of some sorts. It feels like society has deemed it unacceptable for me to be sad that we aren't pregnant because we need to "give it some time and enjoy being married." I LOVE being married to Ben. I think it's the most special time of our lives right now being able to give to others because we don't have children we must pour that energy into. However, the deepest desire of my heart is to make another Ben Beckman, to show our children the love of Christ and to build up our domestic church. And dammit... It hurts my heart every month when we realize it just hasn't happened yet.

I've learned that I HAVE to let go of my plans, my passions, the very desire of my heart (even as good and pure as that desire may be) to let God work in my life. Ben and I are not entitled to a child. We don't know if we will get pregnant. And I think that Christ is using that as a means to bring us closer to Him.

Teaching is my job, not my life.

This has been a harsh realization. As a first year teacher I could literally spend every waking minute at school. Whether it be meetings, grading, planning lessons, or studying the curriculum I have put in multiple 11-hour days trying to get organized and do my best for my kiddos. Thank God for my team leader who, after a long day at work and what was supposed to be a long evening of planning, came into my classroom and said, "Go home, Sierra. It's all going to be here tomorrow." Suddenly it hit me: Teaching is the vocation God has called me to as a PROFESSION. Being a wife is the vocation God has called me to in my LIFE. They are not one in the same... Ben has to come first. Finding that balance has been terribly difficult, but I'm so glad I've realized it this early on in our marriage.


Receiving is my primary purpose.

Ben and I attended a weekly series on spousal prayer this lent and it was truly life-changing. It taught me so much about my role as a wife. Ben spends his days in total service to me: He does dishes and laundry and fixes the washer and makes the bed. He makes me coffee and rubs my feet and when the air conditioning knob fell off of my car he replaced it. I have tried my best, I really have. Ben has eaten burnt, dry, over-salted, over-buttered, garlic-y messes for four months. I do my best to help with the up-keep of our home on the weekends, but I get sucked into school work and he ends up cleaning. To be honest, he is so much better at this marriage thing than I am. And you know what he prays about when we're about to go to sleep? "Please help me love Sierra better tomorrow." Seriously? His sacrificial nature was enough to break me one evening (or multiple evenings... whatever). I sat down and cried and told him that I suck at being a wife and he sacrifices so much for me that I feel entirely inadequate.

And then we attended the series at church. The talks walked us through the role of man and woman, man as the giver and woman as the receiver, and how that mimics the love of God for His Son. "In our very body makeup we can see that it is man who gives and woman who receives." It was a wake up call for me to stop pitying myself and to accept Ben's gift of himself to me on a daily basis. Receiving his love is a truly humbling experience, but one that is rewarding both for Ben as giver and for me as the receiver. Learning to accept his love is actually helping me love him better. Such a neat concept.

Ben cannot be my everything.

As much as I love my sweet Ben, I know that there are some things he just cannot fix. My therapist told me once that your spouse can only fill you up at most 40%, so I need to find where the other 60% will come from. Oh boy was that true. I have learned to trust Ben with my whole heart because he points me in the direction of the One who CAN be my all.

He also encourages me to nourish my friendships. He takes the time to be with my family. He reminds me to take time for myself and to enjoy my own company. All EXTREMELY important things that I'm fortunate to be forming habits around now. 

Let it happen. 

I cannot wait to keep learning from Ben. I love what God is revealing to me through him. Marriage has been the most incredible experience and I am so thankful for its grace every single day.  We're in the transition process of deciding where to live, applying for jobs, and letting go of everything we ever wanted and letting God take control. What a crazy ride and an amazing life.

Calling All Married People

What important lessons did YOU learn in your first year of marriage? I have heard some incredible stories that have changed me, and I would love to hear from YOU. Thank you and may God bless you for being an example of love in my own marriage.
 

Evangelization (without Words)

e·van·ge·lize

  [ih-van-juh-lahyz]  Show IPA

verb (used with object), e·van·ge·lized, e·van·ge·liz·ing.

1.

to preach the gospel to.

2.

to convert to Christianity.

verb (used without object), e·van·ge·lized, e·van·ge·liz·ing.

3.

to preach the gospel; act as an evangelist.                                   

Above is the dictionary definition of the word "evangelize." True evangelization, intentional relationships, and authentic love have been on my mind lately. Actually, they have been on both my mind and heart since coming home from Vermont this past August. 

You see, when I had my "re-version" back to the Catholic faith I was all about the bare-handed, "Have you met my friend Jesus?" life. I was fearless in talking about Him with any and every person who crossed my path. At the time, I saw absolutely nothing wrong with this. I mean, according to the dictionary, to evangelize is to preach the gospel and to convert to Christianity. Best done in words, right? 

I would argue that my view of evangelizing others was wrong. I would also argue that the Apostles converted more people to Christianity through relationships than through a blatant, stand on a pedestal-and-preach attitude. Jesus had a message for the world. A message of Truth. It was a love story from Heaven. But He CARED for people before He spoke. He showed them Heaven before He talked about it.

Think about the story of the loaves and fish. Jesus didn't look at the crowd, see their hunger, then think to Himself, "They're sinners. I need to save them before I fulfill their bodily wants and needs." Rather, He told the Apostles to gather food. He multiplied the food, and He let them eat. Through this action He gained the trust of the crowd. People began to see that He wasn't there to condemn them, He was there to LOVE them through His actions. He waited to speak until He knew of their mutual trust in each other.

I have a feeling that in the above story Jesus was not sitting around waiting to make His next move in evangelizing these people while they ate. From the very depths of His being He cared about them. He wanted to KNOW them. He wanted them to know Him. In modern day terminology, we would call this caring-in-action "love" and this getting-to-know-each-other "friendship." He was a friend.  

Our society is thirsting for authenticity. We crave quality time. We long to be invested in, cared about. I think that Christians have the right mind-set in wanting to share Jesus with people, but I also think our approach needs some tweaking. Let me use my family as an example:

I adore my family more than anything. They are amazing people who are natural givers. We have a lot of fun, and we LOVE. But we are a wounded, broken family. When I found myself falling in love with Jesus, I recognized the broken parts of myself and realized that He was the only one who could heal shattered humanity. When I asked for Him to mend my wounds, He slowly and painfully answered my request. Suddenly, I knew what real LOVE was. I knew what real JOY was. And I craved for my family to know Jesus in the way I had come to know Him.

However, the more I longed for them to know His love, the more I recognized their wounds. I became frustrated with their sin and brokenness and was saddened that they might never have a personal encounter with Christ. I talked about Him all the time. I was the "Jesus freak" of my family. And suddenly, I couldn't take it. I could not understand why they wouldn't pray with me, go to Church with me, try and follow the Commandments with me. 

And then I went to Vermont, where being on fire for Jesus is a SCARY thing. Where most people genuinely do not want to hear about "my friend Jesus Christ." Suddenly, I realized what I was doing wrong:

In all my talk ABOUT Jesus, I never knew how to BE Jesus for others.

What a concept, right? Being Jesus. I had spent so much time thinking about bringing Jesus to my family, my actions were quite the contrary. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE to talk about Jesus. When you love someone, you want to share with others what makes that person so beautiful. However, not everyone wants to hear it. ESPECIALLY if they have had a negative life experience that turned their hearts away from Him. It's the plain truth. From Christian to Christian-- YES. Talk about Him. But from my experience with luke-warm Christians and agnostics, preaching the Gospel in words really hinders your ability to authentically love someone. 

It is not our job to confront people about their sins. Jesus never looked at Mary Magdalene as a prostitute in need of saving.  He looked at her as a beautiful woman in need of a friend. We are all sinners in need of friends who look past our sins because they love us. 

 I guarantee that everyone reading this blog came to know about a real relationship with Jesus because of another person who took the time to invest in them. Someone who just wanted to be their friend. Talking about Heaven came later, after they saw His love in action in another human. 

We have to start BEING Jesus in all that we do. We have to stop having friendships with hidden intentions, even if the hidden intention is evangelization. Get your new friends to Heaven by your prayers for them. And then just LOVE them. Get to know them. Teach them how to live their talents in the most perfect and humble way possible (aka... Holiness). Through your intentional and authentic care for their needs, you will BE Jesus for them. There is no way they won't see something different in you, because there is. His name is Jesus. 

Cancer Sucks (but Heaven Replenishes)

"CANCER SUCKS." We see it on t-shirts, posters, flyers, bracelets. To tell you the truth, cancer (and its potential outcome) really does suck. It sucks the joy out of living a peaceful life. It sucks the sleep out of nights spent worrying. It sucks the energy out of family members finding a way to be 'strong.' It sucks the daily routine from achy chemotherapy patients. It sucks the assurance of having a father, mother, sister, brother, grandma, grandpa, or child in your life forever right out of your control. It just... sucks.

Two weeks ago I received a morning call from my mother telling me that my grandma has breast cancer. Cancer sucked the logic out of me and I immediately took this as a death sentence. I'm not joking. Within hours I had decided I needed to start mental and emotional preparation for losing this beautiful woman who has been everything to me for 21 years. I didn't sleep that night. Cancer sucked the sleep from me.

The next morning I called my grandma. Sweet, sweet Helen. I asked what she was up to that morning. Her response? "Oh, just baking a pie for the neighbors! Earl gives grandpa tomato juice and I make Earl pies." HOLY SELFLESS WOMAN. I melted in a pool of my own selfishness. After asking how she was holding up, I could hear her smile on the other end of the phone line. "It is what it is, and it's going to be what it's going to be. We just have to pray. It will be what it will be."

There is something different about an attitude like hers. I realized upon speaking with her that I should not try to pray the cancer away. My grandma has this total and complete trust that whatever God's will is for our lives, we simply need to pray for acceptance and strength. It WILL happen regardless.

I think we tend to forget that if we believe in Jesus, we believe in the Resurrection. We were created for Heaven, not earth. My grandma has lived a holy, long life. She is going to fight this disease, but she is not going to force her will. Only HIS will... Because "it will be what it will be." Her positivity and trust in God's plans are truly inspirational. She gets it. She understands purpose and pain and Heaven. And she finds hope and solace in that knowledge.

Point in case...Cancer sucks. Suffering is hard. Pain feels unbearable at times. But Heaven replenishes. The knowledge that we were created for so much more than this life brings forth a fountain of hope. There IS purpose in suffering. There WILL be a day that things will be okay. They will be more than okay, actually. Things will be PERFECT. Although my little eyes struggle to see it, I know that my grandma is right when she says that all we can do is pray.

And face suffering with acceptance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IExdrZGQVeI

Roomie Love

Last night (yes, mere hours after I blogged about not turning inward in suffering) my roommates listened to my sobs and thoughts on life, love, and the lack thereof. We sat around our kitchen table at 10:30 eating cookies and, despite their mess of a day, they listened to me. This is not the first time I have had a breakdown, nor will it be the last. But as I sit here reflecting on my life, I cannot help but smile in gratitude for these three women who care for me SO MUCH. Therefore, I wanted to share a few thoughts about the crazy-beautiful mess that is the "GUAD SQUAD."

My darlings



Let me start with my amazing Maggie Claire.

Maggie is a softy. Well, she's a softy for me. I met Maggie when we were born (just kidding, I met her our senior year of high school) and we became fast friends. She is one of those people who is not afraid to just be herself. Her growth as a woman has been incredible to witness. Maggie is one of those people who really thinks things through to be sure that her actions will reflect the life she intends to live. She is selfless in her love of others. Mags lets me be needy and selfish and she never, ever judges me for it. I ask her to rub my back daily. And she does. Without Maggie in my life, I would have never felt like anyone understood how painful therapy could be. She is going to do so many wonderful things for this world. Maggie has so much love to give and is very intentional in her care for others. 

Fun fact: Maggie always gets two double cheesburgers at McDonald's. Extra BBQ Sauce. <3

                                              And now for the beautiful Lily May. 

Lily is the strangest person I have ever met. She is also the most loving soul I have ever come in contact with. Last year Lily and I shared a room. This experience was her sanctity. She never complained when I would randomly crawl into her bed because I needed to snuggle (although she would kick me out if I accidentally touched her elbows). Lily is so steady in faith it is unreal. Her conviction in the Church truly inspires me and makes me want to learn and grow as a young woman in the Faith. She is always the one to challenge me to look outside the box and to realize that life is not always black and white. I love her random phone calls or texts throughout the day to tell me some stupid story that happened to her that morning. Lily is pure beauty, through and through. She literally glows ALL THE TIME. 

Fun fact: Lily likes her coffee with just a splash of creamer and hates that I put sugar in my tea. 

Last, but certainly not least, CLUR.

From the day we met when we were 14 years old, Claire has always been my biggest fan. She has been my first call when tragedy strikes, my loudest laugh when something idiotic occurs, and my jump of excitement when joy is present. Claire knows me better than any person in this world. She knows when to put her two cents in, when to remain quiet, and when to force me to lay next to her and cry because she knows I need it. I would not be who I am without her. Her prayers, her support, her unceasing attempts to show me my worth have lead me to the most joyful life with Christ. Claire is incredible. She holds me up when I can't seem to find my footing on this crazy journey in life. I have never seen anyone who can dance in sync with any song that comes on the radio. Claire can find any sort of information I need to know about a person (note: start setting your profiles as private if you don't want Claire to know everything about you, your mom, or your third cousin). Most importantly, she is a steady vessel of crazy love, emphasis on the "crazy." She is going to make someone so incredibly happy someday. For now, that person gets to be me. 

Fun fact: Claire prefers to not wear pants in the house and likes her cookies slightly undercooked.

These girls have been my best friends since high school. They are incredible and hilarious and sassy and BEAUTIFUL. They have taught me how to be a brave daughter of Jesus. They have taught me how to make decisions. They have taught me how to love my life in all its messy-ness. And they make my days so much brighter. I could never thank God enough for their lives. 

K. Sappy Sierra is done. 

Love and Suffering

"Thank you Jesus for loving me in this way."

Shut up. Seriously... Stop. This phrase, this beautiful quote, was laid before me at Totus Tuus training. While I was at training, reveling in joy and excitement for the summer ahead, I thought this phrase was the bees knees. Then I experienced the true self-denial in sacrificial love for my teammates. Each problem we had to conquer, every spat of homesickness, all the painful memories of my past that I had to work through...

"Thank you Jesus for loving me in this way." Who can honestly be grateful when God is allowing us to suffer? Who can whole-heartedly thank Him not only IN their pain, but FOR their pain? Call me a weakling, but I cannot (though I make sad attempts).

This past month of October I was an internal (and let's face it... external) complainer. "Jesus please give me these virtues and these gifts and this kind of faith. Oh and purity. Oh yeah, a boyfriend. Someone holy and perfect and just like you. Please help me with my grades. Oh, and can I wake up 10 pounds lighter and totally in shape? I need it. I want it. Please?"

What?

My heart is achy. My heart is longing for the beauty of Heaven so much that I let this earth suck. I turn inward. I am so desperate for joy and for beauty that I miss the daily miracle of being ALIVE. On this earth we are not promised a future, we are promised a moment. That moment is right where you are now- sitting on your couch, making dinner with your family, changing the world for someone else, or (if you are like me) getting lost in your own.

Never let pain have the upper hand. We get so caught up in ourselves, don't we? I have been forgetting the value of investment in the present moment. I have forgotten how to listen. I seem to become so engrossed in finding finding who I am and what I'm here for that I lose patience and turn inward. And that is never okay. There is an entire world that I need. No, they don't need me. I need the suffering, the joyful, the confused, the broken, and the whole. When we learn from those people, we invest in something that far surpasses our own selfishness. We are suddenly lifted from ourselves into a beautiful world of gratitude. Suffering helps us learn compassion. Compassion is love in action when there is suffering. And when we love, we are intentionally grateful despite ourselves. 

Honestly...Thank you Jesus. I wish to love you in this way.

Letter to the Suffering

Suffering Hearts,

             There are footsteps set before each of us that we must follow. Those footsteps lead us to Calvary. It is a broken road filled with sin, envy, regret, pain, loneliness, and an incurable hunger. The hill is steep and fragmented. There are three places where the dirt is noticeably disrupted--three spots on this path where a Man fell from the weight of a seemingly unbearable load. But He looked forward. He pushed on, moved ahead. 

             This road will be the hardest you have traveled, yet you will be consoled along the way. There will be people perfectly placed throughout the journey to weep for you, to pray for you, to wipe your face, to assist you in carrying your cross, and to give you drink when you realize that you thirst. And in the end, this road will lead you to love.

                 Love became full only after He agonized in Gethsemane. 

                 Love became full when He gave us His footprints to follow on the road to Calvary.

                 Love became full only after He let His heart be pierced. 

                 Love became full only after He died, lonely and bruised.

                 Then He ROSE. And so you too shall rise. 

Be compassionate, console one another. Remember that we are all so fortunate to walk in Love's footsteps together. 

                                       Sincerely, 

                                              A Fellow Sufferer


"Tell aching mankind to snuggle close to My merciful Heart, and I will fill it  with peace."
                                      -Jesus to St. Faustina 

Totus Tuus: Vermont

     Here I sit at a little wooden desk drinking coffee in Shelburne, Vermont. More than once this summer I have found myself asking: "How did I get here?" "What am I doing?" and most importantly, "Where can I find more caffeine?"

     I have found it is painstakingly easy to miss the daily opportunities to experience miracles in our every day lives. So much of society is focused on sheer nothingness in a chaotic world that thrives on finding "the next big thing." We invent new ways of communicating with one another so that we do not have to go out of our way to spend quality time with those we love. We create for ourselves busy schedules that lack purpose and peace. We eat, drink, and play without really experiencing. Where did the passion go? When did I, and the world, close our eyes to the joy that comes from simply waking up alive?

     Every week I give a talk at a parish after Mass. For those of you who have done Totus Tuus, you know how monotonous and methodic this speech is. "I'm here with a program called 'Totus Tuus.' Totus Tuus is Latin for 'Totally Yours,' signifying that we are totally Jesus' through His Mother, Mary."  That triggers the craziness of the week with loud children and host dinners and GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME. You find yourself praying in the morning because, well, it is part of your job description. Forever in a fishbowl, going through the motions. Forgetting miracles.

     I was teaching first and second graders last week. We talked about how Jesus, at the Mass, slips into His costume (the host and wine) at the consecration. One little boy asked me if he could take a picture. I said he could in his heart. As I skimmed over the kids at Mass that day, I saw his small fingers go up to his eyes at the consecration as if he were holding a camera. After Mass I asked him if he saw Jesus slip into His costume. "YEP! I put my camera on video." BOOM. Just like that. A seven year old reminded me of a daily miracle. 

     Being away from home has challenged me more than I ever dreamed possible. I miss my bed. I miss my roommates and friends. I miss my family. I miss my sweet "Jesus Bubble" that I had no idea existed before I stepped out of it. But all of that is nothing. Totus Tuus is exactly what it says it is... TOTALLY YOURS. Everything back home is His. Everything here in Vermont is His. None of this is mine. It was never mine to miss in the first place. I get to see my family and friends at Mass every day when Jesus steps into His costume... And THAT is a miracle.

     As per usual, this blog has been scatter-brained and long. For those of you who have been wondering how I am doing (MOM....), I am FINE. :) Vermont is lovely, my job is INCREDIBLE, and soon I will know how to drink my coffee black because I now need it every day. I cannot wait to be home and to more fully appreciate the beauty of The Good Life. Nebraska... I LOVE YOU. 

    I hate to admit this, but Jeff Schinstock was right when he said that I am not just DOING Totus Tuus this summer. I AM Totus Tuus this summer. I am living out what it means to trust fully in God's providence and care for my heart. This is something I will be challenging myself to do now for the rest of my life.

     "If I learned one thing from Mother Teresa it is this: You are nothing. I am nothing. We are simply fieldworkers for Christ."